i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
