True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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