so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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