what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
