I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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