Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
