you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
