this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He? As in you personified your dick?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
