After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
