He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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