Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
