I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize