sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
