I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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