I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize