I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
