So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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