Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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