I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize