my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
