I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
