Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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