Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He passed out mid-signature
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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