New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
