Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
