we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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