i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
