I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
