I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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