so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
