Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
