just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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