just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize