I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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