Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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