I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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