When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
