True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
