I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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