she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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