I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
