A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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