now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
