Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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