You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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