he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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