True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
