: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize