i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just pee around me
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
