New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
They have beer where we have blood.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize