Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
