Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
