Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wish I could punch you in the face.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
