Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
