Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
