his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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