Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
