I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize