Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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