Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
