She's like a pop up book from hell.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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