I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
