I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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