I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
