We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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