haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
