he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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