I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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