I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize